All Together Now: A Series about Friendship - Part 2
Sitting with Dr. John M. Perkins and learning what it means to be a friend
One of my favorite people, Dr. John M. Perkins, wrote a beautiful book entitled He Calls Me Friend: The Healing Power of Friendship in a Lonely World. In his book, he details the healing benefits of friendship with others and the truth that God invites us into a deep, loving friendship with Himself. His thesis for this book is, “Friendlessness, loneliness, and isolation do damage to our bodies, minds, and souls. And it’s the impact on our souls that this book addresses.” Dr. Perkins gives two working definitions for friendship, one coming from a theological wordbook and the second from Native American culture:
“Friendship is a reciprocal relationship characterized by intimacy, faithfulness, trust, unmotivated kindness, and service.”
Friend: “One-who-carries-my-sorrows-on-his-back.”
Dr. Perkins further elaborates, 'Friendship is the ability to connect with someone and journey through life together. It's about placing trust and care at a profound, heartfelt level. It's about sharing the burdens of life.' At Act Justly Love Mercy, we believe in the significance of community, which starts with your immediate circles; your family and friends. I've previously discussed the importance of your family and will delve deeper into the broader aspects of community in the future. For now, let's explore the unique community that friends provide in your life.
I have a podcast called My Black Book Journal, where I interview Black authors about their most recent works and seek to extract their wisdom on life, love, and leadership from the Black American perspective. This podcast was born from my passion for reading and journaling in and through my books. My wife often talks about me because I have a bevy of half-used and sporadic entry journals I've used over the years. While I love journaling, I struggle to do it regularly (read daily), but I developed this habit of co-learning alongside the authors of good books. I found myself dialoguing and asking probing questions as I read through different books and discovered that my journaling came in the form of dialogue with the content of my books. My podcast came from that practice (and the pandemic), which takes a deep dive into new and old books.
When I read Dr. Perkins’ book last year, I utilized my journaling practice, and as I sat down to write this series, I re-read my words. I was struck by how God used this book to stir my heart toward Him and others.
Since I am writing to my friends, I will share some of the things I wrote as I read through this book with you. I found myself processing through my thoughts and offering up prayers for grace, mercy, and assistance. I’m sharing this with you because I want to invite you into this dialogue about friendship and, as your friend, share how friendship with God and others has helped heal my soul.
Notes From My Journal: He Calls Me Friend
Entry #1:
Friendship! This is something that has been on my heart more and more lately: friendship with God and others. God has put beautiful people in my life, and I want to lean into those relationships.
I don’t want to traverse this journey alone. Dr. Perkins says, ‘Friendship is the ship we are meant to take along our pilgrim journey, loving one another, and even laying down our lives for one another if necessary.’
What does it mean for me to lean into my friendships? To actually deepen those relationships—not usery, but mutual love and benefit?”
Entry #2:
Robert Morrison said, “The great fault, I think, in our mission is that no one likes to be second. The world has yet to see what could happen if everyone lost the desire to get the glory. Wouldn’t it be a marvelous place if nobody cared who got the credit?” Dr. Perkins goes on to say, “The opposite of gentleness, meekness, and humility is pride. Pride pushes people away and makes it hard for us to cross the barrier to friendship. I’m constantly aware of this inner struggle. I don’t want to get in the way of what the Holy Spirit is trying to do in my heart.”
Wow! Isn’t that what I’ve been saying? But is it true??? I’m not sure if its been true of me. “Lord, how prideful and arrogant has by heart been? Lord, forgive me for my pride, arrogance, and self-righteousness.”
Entry #3:
My life should be marked by deep forgiveness. That’s why I need to talk to ________. I often forget that I am in a friendship with God. I remember that He is Lord and Father, but not always a friend. He loves me deeply. He walks with me. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.”
Father, you desire my friendship. I want to be friends with you and follow you wherever you lead me. I trust in You and love You. Dr. Perkins says, ‘He learned that being a friend of God is worth giving up everything else for. Possessions. Popularity. Prejudices. Power. Friendship with God is the pearl of great price.’
Where you lead me, I desire to follow because I know that I won’t go alone. I’m never alone.
Those are just a few journal entries I wrote as I read through He Calls Me Friend.
Dr. Perkins goes on to give 6 Markers of True friendship. I will take a deep dive into all six, but we will only look at the first three in this post and discuss the final three in my next post.
6 Markers of True Friendship:
Friendship Pursues
Friendship Goes Deep
Friendship Forgives
Friendship Crosses Lines
Friendship Be with
Friendship Bears Fruit
Friendship Pursues
Every day offers an opportunity to engage with others lovingly, drawing them into friendship. "It takes purpose, effort, and prayer. We need the Lord to open our eyes to see the loneliness that shrouds the faces of people we meet… People need to see their worth and dignity reflected in our eyes. We miss countless opportunities when we look past people and refuse to see their eyes."
There have been many times when close friends and I drifted apart. Why? Was there an inciting incident that led to this distance? No, usually not. It came from a lack of intentionality. We just mutually decided to stop pursuing one another. It wasn't anything that we spoke about and agreed upon; we just let it happen.
I've learned about friendship that you have to intentionally pursue one another. That means actively reaching out to keep up with your friends, seeking to understand how they are and what's going on in their lives. You build time into your day and life to intentionally make time for them. Love pursues. Friendship pursues.
Friendship Goes Deep
"We must be willing to become a learner about the other and learn to share our own hearts. A new Harvard University study discovered that people like talking about themselves. Talking about oneself stimulates the same areas of the brain that light up when enjoying good food or experiencing other pleasant triggers. People get a 'neurological buzz' when they talk about themselves. "That's why we spend almost 40 percent of conversation talking about ourselves–our brain chemistry drives us to do it."
Shauna Niequist articulated what too many of us struggle with this way: "I've spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won't leave, and fearing that it's a matter of time before they figure me out and go." This fear has kept far too many people from going deep with friends. "I encourage you to risk sharing your heart. Focus on being a friend more than finding a friend. Be a good listener and share honestly."
Dr. Perkins teaches that you cannot be afraid of intimacy in friendship. You must be willing to be honest with your friends and share your fears, hopes, and concerns free from judgment, guilt, and shame. It is a joy to have friends who know you, who know the depth of your life, and who have walked with you through life's most challenging circumstances. Friends, remove the lonelieness that you often needlessly carry.
Friendship Forgives
The final mark of friendship that we will look at today is friendship forgives. It is inevitable that when you live in close proximity to others, offenses and misunderstandings will occur. You aren’t perfect, nor are your friends; I hate it when we say nobody’s perfect. Most of us are painfully aware of our imperfections, so why do we sometimes hold our friends to impossible standards? I’m going to write more about how friends meet your needs later in the series, but if you hold your friends to impossible standards and judge them by their actions and yourself by your intentions, you will find yourself friendless.
Friends take away the loneliness in your life. They are the community that you journey through life alongside. “People make mistakes, so if you choose not to forgive every time someone offends you, then your life will be pretty lonely. You can’t be in relationship with people and avoid being hurt. But God gives us the heart to forgive no matter what the hurt is. The Holy Spirit, who lives within, shows us how to see our offender through the eyes of Christ and to show mercy toward them–just as He shows mercy to us every time we offend Him by our sin.”
I think that’s enough to process for right now. In next week’s piece, I will examine the final three markers of friendship and offer a few practical tools for handling conflict in our friendships.
My hope for this series is to deal with the beauty and complexity of friendship. To get this series on friendship sent directly to your email, please become a subscriber of Act Justly Love Mercy. You can subscribe below. Also, enjoy the playlist I created to accompany this series. You can read the first post in this series below the playlist.
