All Together Now: A Series about Friendship - Part 3

Sitting with Dr. John M. Perkins and learning what it means to be a friend - Part 2

This will be my final post in our series about friendship. In my last post, we looked at the first three markers of true friendship as defined by Dr. John Perkins. In this post, we will look at the final three markers of friendship.

6 Markers of True Friendship:

1. Friendship Pursues

2. Friendship Goes Deep

3. Friendship Forgives

4. Friendship Crosses Lines

5. Friendship Being with

6. Friendship Bears Fruit

Friendship Crosses Lines

Our society has erected barriers that keep us from engaging with one another. Dr. Perkins calls these “Societal Lines.” These lines were socially and governmentally engineered to segregate people. Many of us are familiar with the process of Redlining.¹ A discriminatory practice primarily focused on excluding non-white people from purchasing homes in certain areas to keep neighborhoods from becoming racially diverse.

Some of you may recall the study conducted several years ago by EdBuild, titled Fault Lines: America’s Most Segregated School District Borders.² These Fault Lines, the borders between affluent and impoverished school districts, are more than just lines on a map. They are barriers that separate students from one another, created by government-drawn districts that perpetuate vast amounts of inequity. These lines prevent neighboring children from interacting with one another and enjoying equal opportunities and resources, a situation that should deeply concern us all.

Dr. Perkins says, “We must be honest about the lines we have drawn. Who are the ones that you don’t associate with? Are they poor people or wealthy people? Are they black people or white people? Are they educated people or uneducated people? Are they Democrats… Republicans? Christians? Atheists?” He goes on to say that, “Jesus showed us how to cross lines. He made Himself vulnerable. He always affirmed the dignity of the other.”

In my community, making friends with people different from you is challenging. Through my experience and research, the most significant causes of these challenges are the two systemic issues I mentioned above—housing and education. Birmingham, Alabama, has a deep history of racism and segregation. It is embedded into our city's founding and is still a challenge to overcome. The biggest reason is that we don't interact enough with one another, whether in our schools, communities, or churches.

The vast majority of churches in the Birmingham-Hoover Metro Area are still segregated, primarily by choice, no longer by church policy and polity. Our neighborhoods³ and schools in that geographical area are more segregated now than ever during the past 50 years, not only racially but also socially and economically. This means we don't have common places to get to know one another beyond perfunctory interactions. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. famously said, "The most segregated hour of the week is 11 AM Sunday morning." Dr. Perkins tells us that there is a better way. The way of humble pursuit. A willingness to cross lines to enter into a REAL relationship.

How do we learn to intentionally cross these lines? We must first acknowledge that they exist. We must then see that some of us benefit from these lines and others are trapped by them. After that, we find intentional ways to enter into other people's spaces, not so much to dominate those spaces, but as humble learners. People who are willing to sit down alongside one another and share our stories. My friend told me recently that he expects me to write a book entitled Everyone Has A Story. That's because I believe in being with people and taking the time to hear their stories and to see them. I'm even starting a company helping everyday leaders understand and tell their stories. One of the areas that I love and appreciate most about Jesus is he regularly took time to be with people. All kinds of people from all sorts of backgrounds. I want to be more like that, not going from transactional relationship to transactional relationship, but entering into moments with people where we are present with one another.

Friendship is about Being With

Dr. Perkins says, "You can't get around the concept of togetherness when discussing how to be friends. Friendship is time spent together. Life and leadership can produce deep loneliness, and as I mentioned in my previous post, we are currently experiencing a loneliness epidemic.⁴ How do we learn to create space to be with others? We must prioritize our social connections. We were not meant to live life isolated from others.

In life, we need both strong and weak ties.⁵ Strong ties are the deep friendships that develop over time and shared experiences. However, weak ties are our regular social interactions, whether at work, church, school, or in shared community spaces like the gym, sporting events, or our favorite coffee shop or restaurant. In his article 'Why your 'weak-tie' friendships may mean more than you think,' Ian Leslie underscores, "Close friends are important – but research shows that building networks of casual acquaintances can significantly enhance happiness, knowledge, and a sense of belonging." Why is this? It's the same reason we gather around the water cooler or the coffee pot at work, discussing the latest binge-worthy show or the achievements of a well-known athlete. It's why we socialize after church and connect with others, because being recognized, even on a small scale, gives us a sense of community. It makes us feel like we are part of something bigger than ourselves.

And lately, all my new friends just my co-workers
So where I go when my soul hurtin'?

Andy Mineo

At the same time, we must intentionally strengthen our strong ties.
Investing meaningfully in our closest relationships. While weak ties increase our sense of community, strong ties are reliable bridges carrying us through each season of life. We must learn to be present with both. Your closest friends will often give you the most grace, but the relationship requires the most maintenance. Just as new cars require minimal upkeep, older, well-used cars require greater attention. As all the miles and experiences build up, they must be closely maintained to ensure they don’t break down under the wear and tear that happens throughout the years. As Dr. Perkins says, “Being with is an investment of time and heart.”

Friendship Bears Fruit

Friendship is enriching. That's where all of this has led us. Our friendships should grow and challenge us. They cause us to flourish in unforeseen ways. They help to trim back the unfruitful and unproductive areas of our lives, transforming us into better people. Dr. Perkins speaks of this fruitfulness when he says, "This has been my greatest privilege—to make more friends everywhere I go, and to be enriched by friends who have stayed with me through the ups and downs of my journey."

What greater joy could we possibly have but to spend our lives crossing lines in search of meaningful relationships? What would it look like in our world if we sowed love where there was hatred and bigotry? Where there is anger and resentment, we sow kindness and forgiveness. What fruit would be produced in our lives, relationships, and world? The world we so often disparage needs us to show up not with criticism but with friendship. What we can do as individuals is great but limited. What we can do together is unlimited. We need each other.

Thank you for reading this post! To read this series's other posts, click the links below! Please consider becoming a paid subscriber or sharing this post! Thank you for joining me on my journey to Influence the Culture with the Values of the Kingdom!

1. “Redlining can be defined as a discriminatory practice that consists of the systematic denial of services such as mortgages, insurance loans, and other financial services to residents of certain areas, based on their race or ethnicity. Redlining disregards individual’s qualifications and creditworthiness to refuse such services, solely based on the residency of those individuals in minority neighborhoods; which were also quite often deemed ‘hazardous’ or ‘dangerous.’” (https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/redlining)

2. According to EdBuild, the borders between school districts in the United States are becoming more segregated, with half of the country's children living in high-poverty districts. These districts are often next to wealthier areas, which can lead to unequal funding and opportunities for students. For example, the school finance system relies on local property taxes, which can keep wealthier districts' property values high and keep dollars in the district while keeping out students in need. To read more about this, read the report: https://edbuild.org/content/fault-lines#:~:text=This%20kind%20of%20segregation%20comes,to%20keep%20it%20that%20way.

3. Diverse Neighborhoods Are Made of Diverse Housing, The Brookings Institute https://www.brookings.edu/articles/diverse-neighborhoods-are-made-of-diverse-housing/

4. America has a loneliness epidemic. Here are 6 steps to address it (May 2, 2023) https://www.npr.org/2023/05/02/1173418268/loneliness-connection-mental-health-dementia-surgeon-general

5. “One way to think about any person’s social world is that you have an inner circle of people whom you often talk to and feel close with, and an outer circle of acquaintances whom you see infrequently or fleetingly. Granovetter named these categories “strong ties” and “weak ties”. His central insight was that for new information and ideas, weak ties are more important to us than strong ones.” https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200701-why-your-weak-tie-friendships-may-mean-more-than-you-think